4 words: hood of his car
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
