imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
