Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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