Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
