you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
