Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
