Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
