how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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