i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
