This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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