when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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