...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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