i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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