I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
