I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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