she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
what is it with giant penises always finding me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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