My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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