Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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