just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
