I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
