Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
