i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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