So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
