my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
