he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
