I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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