Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
