you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Randomize
