When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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