I like to think it a success when the cops are called
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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