i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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