HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
