All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
