Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
