grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
