whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
