hotel room ftw
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
