I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
