i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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