You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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