On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
