This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
