Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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