Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
