It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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