god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
