The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
