she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
my liver is dry heaving
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
