There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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