So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
